


How To Get Yourself Staked - The Comprehensive Guide

by FrancescaFiona



Category: True Blood (TV)
Genre: Gen, Written to be funny!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 03:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16568798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrancescaFiona/pseuds/FrancescaFiona
Summary: This basic, easy to understand guide can help you avoid the true death by ensuring you don't make any of these one hundred rookie mistakes in your new life as an 'immortal'.Based upon real experiences in the vampire world.





	How To Get Yourself Staked - The Comprehensive Guide

How to get yourself staked:

 

1 - Be a vampire.

 

2 - Tell the truth

 

3 - Lie

 

4 - Call Bill Compton a ‘puppy dog’

 

5 - Ask someone to stake you

 

6 - Ask someone _not_ to stake you

 

7 - Speak to Eric Northman

 

8 - Look at Eric Northman

 

9 - _Think_ about Eric Northman

 

10 - Stand up for your beliefs

 

11 - Oppose a religious revolution

 

12 - Take part in a religious revolution

 

13 - Be on TV

 

14 - Have anything to do with anything related to the Authority at any point in your death

 

15 - Have something Bill Compton wants

 

16 - Threaten Sookie Stackhouse

 

17 - Kidnap too many people 

 

18 - Kidnap too few people

 

19 - Borrow Pam’s shoes without asking

 

20 - Try

 

21 - Hear ‘yanny’

 

22 - Don’t pay taxes

 

23 - Live in Louisiana

 

24 - Listen to Cambodian music

 

25 - Steal someone else’s human

 

26 - Look too happy at the wrong time 

 

27 - Take Eric’s strippers to eat in the car

 

28 - Raise an eyebrow at Russell Edgington

 

29 - Ask Eric if he’s German

 

30 - Boast about your age

 

31 - Say werewolves are ‘okay, I guess’

 

32 - Torture Bill Compton

 

33 - Don’t torture Bill Compton but have that ‘I really wish I could torture you’ face when you’re talking to him

 

34 - Be a part of the Monarchy

 

35 - Be a vampire (…did…we have that one already?)

 

36 - Cut Pam down on your first meeting

 

37 - Wear the same skirt as Pam at the same time

 

38 - Piss off the Authority

 

39 - Be the Authority

 

40 - Get your blood on Nan Flanagan’s suit when she’s trying to lecture you about something as her guards torture you

 

41 - Be the next of kin to that vampire

 

42 - Be the next of kin to  _that_ vampire

 

43 - Ask for prices at Fangtasia

 

44 - Try and jump the queue at Fangtasia

 

45 - Attempt to glamour another vampire, before you figure out they’re not human

 

46 - Use the phrase ‘excuse you?’ in an aggressive way

 

47 - Ask to take a picture of Eric Northman

 

48 - Take the picture without asking 

 

49 - Read any Jane Austen novel in the presence of another vampire

 

50 - Admit to watching ‘Mamma Mia’

 

51 - Ask Eric if he will join your ABBA tribute band

 

52 - _Neglect_ to invite Eric Northman to join your ABBA tribute band

 

53 - Gatecrash Jessica Hamby’s parties

 

54 - Ask Bill when the Civil War was, and who won

 

55 - Ask Nan Flanagan what Obama’s surname is

 

56 - Fall in love with a faery

 

57 - Fall in love with anyone

 

58 - Tell Pam she looks ‘pretty good tonight’

 

59 - Drink human blood

 

60  - Drink TruBlood

 

61 - Drink neither

 

62 - Drink both

 

63 - Wear green shoes

 

64 - Be within 300ft of Her Majesty Queen Sophie-Anne Leclerq when she loses a game of snap

 

65 - Neglect to laugh at a joke

 

66 - Laugh at what you thought was a joke

 

67 - Look at Sookie Stackhouse for too long

 

68 - Post videos of yourself on YouTube drinking from humans

 

69 - Whisper to the vampire next to you that you think Pam’s hair might be a wig

 

70 - Smile at Eric Northman when he’s in a bad mood

 

71 - Call Nora Gainsborough ‘Mary Poppins’

 

72 - Give Nora Gainsborough a photo of Mary Poppins for her to autograph

 

73 - Ask someone what the fuck is taking so long as you try to get into Fangtasia

 

74 - Ask another vampire the time

 

75 - Wear reading glasses when, clearly, you don’t need them

 

76 - Reminisce about the good old days before Mainstreaming

 

77 - Walk in on the wrong people

 

78 - Not answer your phone

 

79 - Bitch about your Sherriff 

 

80 - Be a Sherriff that allows other vampires to bitch about you

 

81 - Tell Sophie-Anne you can’t make it to her birthday party

 

82 - Realise that you can’t make it to her birthday party and sigh ‘thank God for that’

 

83 - Recommend an intestinal worm to your human to help them to lose weight

 

84 - Cry at movies

 

85  - Cry at anything

 

86 - Encourage other vampires to cry

 

87 - Tell Bill he can’t sing

 

88 - Tell everyone else that Bill can’t sing

 

89 - Ask a vampire if you can ‘just be friends’

 

90 - Offer to lend Jessica some hair dye

 

91 - Do this in front of Bill

 

92 - Call Bill ‘Will’

 

93 - Tell Sookie to shut the fuck up for _once_

 

94 - Make any comment that could possibly be construed as racist in front of Tara, or anyone she knows, for that matter

 

95 - Say salad looks appealing

 

96 - Send your TruBlood back to Lafayette, claiming it might have AIDS

 

97 - Be in the room when this happens

 

98 - Watch too much True Blood

 

99 - Write too much Fanfiction

 

100 - Read this guide


End file.
